In a world full of color and vibrancy, emotions and decisions....distractions and diversions....There lurks one indelible truth...darkness and depression are things that occur to use Synesthetes also.
Inside my depressive world lives shadows that escalate with each successive pass of days. Some days it's like everything outside is completely indescribably dark and stormy. It's like all life in the world is gone, all happiness has evaporated, and meaninglessness is pervasive.
This is what I have been going through and hence my blog has kind of grinded to a halt.
It is difficult on days like this to get the motivation to do anything, my drive is completely gone.
Speaking purely of mental illness and the like, it is very difficult for me to get this train back on tracks, especially when the derailments are so close to home.
As difficult as it is, I am still here. I am still trying, still fighting, still moving along day to day.
We aren't perfect people, but we can have perfection within ourselves if we wish, our version of perfection will change depending on our knowledge.
In myself I have found that colors are my life, they are my force for good. They are something I can rely on when times are tough, they are with me throughout, there are some things I need to use to ground. I am learning what they are in order to survive this.
It has been a rough journey but it is far from over. Every colorful step deserves another, if I keep with notion, I'll never stop the journey.
Life is about the journey, it is never about the destination. We travel through it like a squirrel travels across trees for nuts. It is a journey we must undertake, we need not be alone doing so, although this is purely about inward reflection and dedicating the day to ourselves too. Taking a piece of ourselves and using that as a catalyst for further actions and decisions.
Learning...who we are. That's the question I ask you today, who are you? What is your story? What is our purpose? We all have one, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, every piece fits in a certain spot, we just have to discover our spot.
Whether thats a by a lake with a sunday beverage, whether that is in the city walking down South Street in Philly, whether that is calmly fishing by the lakes of the Macedon Ranges back in Australia, whether that is us helping a strange and coloring their world, or whether that is just us simply recharging ourselves at home with a nice cup of english breakfast tea in the mornings, reading and quitely surrounding ourselves with mechanisms that trigger that helpfulness and calmness that we all need.
Some days are easier than others, today is a day I found that I could actually write in amongst all of this turmoil, torment, and depression.
We are not perfect, we never will be, we need only be perfect to ourselves. If we reflect that, we can shine that on others and help them reach what they seek, maybe they seek grounding, whatever the case.
Sadly, this is something I have a fair bit of experience with, especially lately given recent events. Pain and Synesthesia types often come in conflict and contact with each other. I have read countless posts from other Synesthetes who agree that the ones who sense color in other senses, ie. Chromesthesia (Sound -> Color) or Grapheme (Letters/Numbers -> Color) have also been known to have specific and repetitive color flashes or objects/shapes linked to pain.
I do not believe this to be a coincidence. Although nerve disorders are prevalent for me, this is different. It's a very interesting sensation. Imagine if you will, being shocked by something electrical, more similar to a static cling that travel down the very inside of you, but you sense its nature is deep maroon red, in my experience this translates as acute pain that is experienced at the same moment this occurs.
Others have described it as seeing a specific object or pattern, for example, a spiky red ball that represents a headache. They literally visualize these objects, and in all of this, we synesthetes have also learned to adapt and cope with these changes.
For me being stationary is a big, big deal. Touch becomes incredibly sensitive and could possibly be linked to my attributes as a HSP (Highly-Sensitive Person) which in itself is a different situation again. When these things overlap you end up with a very strange set of circumstances and situations in life.
A recent example:
I was sitting in my room at home, and I felt the sensation described above, the more I moved, the more it traveled and rebounded/made my body recoil with agonizing nerve pain. Every touch felt like lightning that burnt like a thousand suns, literal fire personified. Along with this I experienced bright red, maroon and brown streaks.
In order to alleviate this I tried essentially everything in my toolkit at home, to no avail. Tried rubbing Menthol soothing lotion, no dice. Cannabis, no dice. Aleive, no dice. Because this pain is an interpretation of the interpretation of pain. It's not actual pain, its a synesthetic mental response to pain itself. Therefore coping with it is a mental challenge, taking my mind off it, watching tv, being on my PC, talking, all of this helps. Eventually it settles and I am able to resume what I was doing. This takes a lot of will power to do, and is a trained skill that took me a long time to do. I know it sounds easy *in theory* but it is doable also.
This same situation occurs for me on an emotional level too, when the two collide it is incredibly difficult to manuevre, thankfully I have a lot of support from various people! Thank you all again, it means a lot to me personally to know that even though the situation is borderline indescribable, you are all still there! So thank you again.
On the emotional level, for me it blankets the entire day. If I go into work in pain, the day is tinted medium gray ( I say medium because it is not dark nor light) usually with accompanying maroon streaks that streak every time I am in pain. If the pain is exceedingly acute, ie. a strain from lifting something way too heavy, or worse, they turn into bright flashes, those who see spots will know what I am referring to with this as it is a very similar sensation, except color-coded!
This is certainly not a be all, end all list of reasons and situations but its a general outline of the way I perceive pain and the synesthetic responses that occur as a result. Everyone's situation is different, especially with Synesthesia.
And on that note, I'll close this one out with a nice melodic green, purple and just for kicks, maroon track, enjoy and thanks for reading!
I've previously written about what it is like for me to percieve colors as a feeling. Although
I don't think I touched on it's influence with music. These next few tracks I'll *decode* in my own emotional style which will be reflected by the elaborated emotional color chart highlighted in
a 3 part series.
I'll cover one of the most influential emotional tracks to me and why that is the case.
We'll start with this one:
Make 'Em Say (feat. Ev Jones) - Esoterik, Ev Jones
You will only ever have two choices:Love or fear Chooseloveand don't ever letfearturn you against your playful heart Thank you so much, thank you
Yeah, I come alive when you listen Connect our minds through the rhythm I'm in that free love zone, there's no price for admission And I shine in the wisdom of the rhymes that I'm spitting I rock a mic like a wizard to prove the sky is no limit And every line that gets written Describes the life that I'm living And yes, my tribe's on a mission to bend your mind like a prison And yes, my rhyme is a blizzard, it defies metaphysics Shut the blinds of your business and fuck your mind with these lyrics Uh, look in to my eyes, there's a change about to come Tidal wave up in my brain, I'll make it rain until it floods And not the rain that got them naked in the club I'm talking 'bout the realisation We can make it if there's love And if there is, it's all good vibes Everyone's welcome to have a good time The future's in my son's eyes So I pray for change in a major way
And I make 'em say hey (and I make 'em say hey) Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way) How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (that's what they all say) When the vibe is right I can do this all day And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song
Yo, yo, this is it and it's never gonna stop Wanna know how I'm living, nah I'm Buddha This that shit that's heavy when it drops Cause my mind ain't all about the moola Take a hit of this and levitate with Gods As I split a philly back in Philla with some buddha I get it lit and give it everything I got So I rocked up to this bitch like "booya" You ain't gonna stop me from rockin' And poppin' ollies on this mic That's why I do whatever I like I drop this hot shit that make the keyboard melt If you really wanna be free, just be yourself You gotta follow your dreams, my brother Stick with it, cause when they come true They'll wonder how you did it This planet needs peace so let's make a change Cause only real love can save the day
And I'll make 'em say hey (make 'em say hey) Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way) How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say When the vibe is right I can do this all day And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song And I'll make 'em say hey (make 'em say, then I'll make 'em say) Love is real and it's heading your way (oh yeah the love is real) How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (is what they all say) If the vibe is right I can do this all day All day, all day, all day
Let me break it down for ya Be like water, be like water Bruce Lee told me how to be like water I run my life, I don't need no orders I'm outside the box, I don't see no borders Be like water, be like water Bruce Lee told me how to be like water I run my life, I don't need no orders I'm outside the box, I don't see no borders
So, let me count my blessings cause it's not that bad My mother's upstairs but I still got my dad With my baby boy running free through nature My wife, that's my life, she's my queen and saviour (yeah baby) So when I think I'm feeling down I set fire to fear and kill the doubt I vibe with Mother Earth, she turned and said to me That we're all connected, that this world needs empathy
Hey, hey, hey, hey And I make 'em say hey (make 'em say hey) (say hey) Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way) How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (tell me how you do it, tell me how you do it) If the vibe is right I can do this all day And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song
These are the emotions inflected by the lyrics for me: Dark Green - Deepest Closeness // Light Green - Deepest Love Dark Purple - Belonging To Someone // Light Purple - Closeness/Reflective of Warmth
As difficult as it can be sometimes to listen to certain tracks, due to the emotions they invoke, it is always an adventure to listen to new tracks! Realistically any kind of music is good to me, as long as the colors are right for the mood and timing. Which is why my playlists change so rapidly in genre. I do plan to write more regarding this topic, this is Part 2 of a 3 part series on this topic. The first is Social Colors and Memory Recall.
I'll leave you all with the follow super green track, have a great day and stay safe folks~
You know the deal, head over heels Hand over heart, so you understand it’s real And 'cause it’s real, it ain’t always perfect But we put the effort in because it’s always worth it I’m so glad I found ya, so glad I found ya (so glad I found ya) My chief navigator, you know that I’d be lost without ya So I fill up these pages with things I love about ya Love to be around ya, arms around ya How ‘bout when it’s warm, let’s take our towels and hit the sand in the tropics And when it’s cold, let’s take a stroll, you can put your hands in my pockets This ain’t no old fashioned love, don’t keep your face in a locket But I do see it on my phone home screen every time that I lock it I promise, whatever you need, if you want it you got it, I swear Speaking on you, that be my favourite topic I’ve seen your smile a million times, still I have to stop and stare When this big old world has got me running scared
I remember what you told me That you’d be there to hold me Don’t care about the old me 'Cause it’s a new day and to you I’m worth my weight in gold So listen what I got to say When I see her, my señorita She got me feeling this way, oooh Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape So listen what I got to say That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms
It’s early morn, we got the curtains drawn To keep us sheltered from the perfect storm Right now I’m warm, hold me close inside your arms It make me feel like I’ll be safe from harm So if you’re ever feeling down, I hope you play this song And know my days are so much brighter since you came along Nice to, nice to know ya, you and I, we’re feeling right at home Let’s share some public displays of affection and some private jokes And I don’t know ‘bout you but your love keep on lifting me higher Breathing you in until you leave me inspired Then I sing from the rooftops and preach to the choir All these notes from your secret admirer
So listen what I got to say When I see her, my señorita She got me feeling this way, oooh Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape So listen what I got to say That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms
And maybe I don’t take the time to say this very often But the way you put a spring up in my step, ooh baby you my cherry blossom Lady, you got me floating on air like Mary Poppins If this big old world ever giving me problems I remember what you told me That you’d be there to hold me Don’t care about the old me 'Cause it’s a new day and to you I’m worth my weight in gold So remember what I told you That I’d be there to hold you Won’t try to change or mould you To me you’re perfect, worth way more than you could weigh in gold
So listen what I got to say When I see her, my señorita She got me feeling this way, oooh Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape So listen what I got to say That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these tracks, this blog is purely for hobby purposes. Shout out and credits to Horrorshow and Esoterik for their amazing Aussie tracks! :)
I decided that writing was really important to my progress, so I have returned :)
The next track is one that really hits home for me, the colors in it are just perfect in every single way for the way I currently feel as well which helps.
I know this place It smells like innocence lost We left the traces of the sins we bought
But I wouldn't change a thing It's just waking dream
Look at the wake From the stardust pouring from your eyes It's no mistake You are perfect You are perfect in my mind And you won't fade away
I know this face It's so familiar I'm sure I know you but it's all a blur
Now I can't recall a thing It's such a wicked dream
Look at the wake From the stardust pouring from your eyes It's no mistake You are perfect You are perfect in my mind And you won't fade away
Praise to the memory Living inside of me Host to entirety writing my story Lusting and gluttony So unbecoming The stardust is making me blind
But you won't be left behind, the memory's here to remind
Look at the wake From the stardust pouring from your eyes It's no mistake You are perfect You are perfect in my mind
Look at the wake From the stardust pouring from your eyes It's no mistake You are perfect You are perfect
Look at the Look at the wake pouring from your eyes Look at the Look at the wake You are perfect in my mind And you won't fade away
I've written about a lot of different aspects of my life here lately, and wanted to take pause so I can take stock of all the things in my life.
At present I have a lot going on and need to give myself time to adjust and recalibrate to what is not only going around me, but also the things that I know I need to focus on. At the moment this blog takes a backseat to that.
Thank you all for reading, and hopefully I'll be back posting soon.
-- Rainye
I leave you with this black and white track. Enjoy!
Every time I listen to music I get a sense of the song from a different perspective. It's like I can listen to the same track several times and get several other things from it. I learn something new about myself in this process.
This next track does exactly that for me, it opened up a side to me I did not see before. A level of understanding for me as I took this journey:
I have drawn a graphic that incorporates what I see, it is not very detailed, but what it represents is important to me to reflect:
As if anything could last forever I fell headfirst into the unknown Blindly ignorant in my innocence Thin in the thick of it Would give anything not to feel alone I severed every nerve ending 'Til nothing was hurting me Aside from the thought of infinite eternities Not having you with me, not having you with me So incomplete
As the track begins, I see a light green road before me. It feels like home and tastes like oranges. As I walk down this road, I glance to my left and see the stars shining in a neon green array. It gives me a sense of peace that calms my mind. There are aspects that give me flashes of red, I have highlighted these. As they reflect a sense of understanding
I fell in love with the touch of pain 'Til the rush it became a chain I was suffocated and there was no escape 'Til I met You Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through I fell in love with the touch of grace Now all I want is You
As the chorus hits, I see a purple chain link on my right it reflects all of the things that have bound me for so long, then quick as a flash, I see a green lightning bolt that separates the chain link and sparks of silver that shine in the distance.
This is repeated several times for me as I walk down the road.
I always thought that I had something to prove Always thought that I had nothing to lose Every time that I got more it just made me want more Tried to step up but I stepped off the top floor I've surely fallen one too many times I've surely told you one too many lies Life-giver delivering me from the clutches of death I give over all of myself
I fell in love with the touch of pain 'Til the rush it became a chain I was suffocated and there was no escape 'Til I met You Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through I fell in love with the touch of grace Now all I want is You
At this point in the track, the purple chain fades into a haze of silvery light, my attention then drifts to center of frame and I see a light purple building at the end of the road. It shines with a green radiance surrounding it as I move towards it I feel a sense of home.
You put a stay on this heart attack Put color back in this photograph Made it burn like a sun with a fire that is You Cursed me as an amnesiac No second thought about going back Take me anywhere as long as it's with You
I fell in love with the touch of pain 'Til the rush it became a chain I was suffocated and there was no escape 'Til I met You Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through I fell in love with the touch of grace Now all I want is You
The green and purple collision results in a shimmer of silver, that shines until the song fades from view. Every time I hear this track I feel those same emotions become stronger. It is like a never ending loop of peace.
For a couple of days recently I have noticed when things get to me enough I start tasting colors. Especially when I touch them. So as I feel a colored object such as a keyboard for instance at my computer here, I can actually taste salt every time I hit the keys. It's a really strange sensation.
Especially when it's combined with music. Because I feel both at the same time.
I've recently managed to put this chart together of what I taste for each color, although there may be other tastes associated with them as I explore this further.
Blue - Coconut Green - Oranges Black - Salt White - Pork Orange - Sour Brown - Dry Ginger
Red - Dust Yellow - Milk Purple - Chocolate Silver - Purest Apple Juice
As this is something I am still exploring I will most likely touch on this subject again in the future.
I'm going to finish this post with a Green track. This song actually tastes like oranges as I listen to it. It's a very interesting mix!!
I realize yesterdays' post didn't really reflect how I felt so I wanted to give a chance to describe it.
Black colored music is very hard for me to explain because it is a sense of the color, a depth of the color. It's like having all shadows fall upon everything I do, it clouds my emotional view as well.
It's like receding into oneself' on an emotional level, withdrawing, yet understanding the reasons why. It provides a moment of solace and rechargability for me as an introvert as well as for the sake of the feelings at the time. Sometimes these feelings can get quite overwhelming when meshed with my emotional personality.
These two work against each other at times, making it difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what it is I feel, or why I feel that way. In a state of depression everything turns gray and black for me. Which makes sharing those aspects very stressful at times. It is like shouting from the bottom of a well 3000 ft below ground and expecting a reply.
I have since then learned to understand this further. The color Black can also be associated with coping with things internally for me. It is reflected in the lyrics of the music I listen to, such as Rammstein, (but only specific tracks, that usually hold a softer meaning, such as Mutter and Spieluhr), the lyrics along with the tones of the track give me a sense of understanding and contemplation.
Because as darkness unfolds, there must be light that follows. As such whenever Black feelings arise within me, they are met at the other end of the scale with a sense of illumination. It is a soul-seeking journey of sorts inflected in the colors.
It is also where the color White is predominant for me. White is associated with a lot of different aspects, I discovered however that it is resolution itself. It is confirmation. It is also something I had yet to experience until recently. I noticed this always followed a "Black" day and began trying to understand why that was.
I believe it is because I finally understand its purpose.
This song is Black and White:
This next writing piece is black and white to me.
Traveling south across this plain, Is he exploring, or just gone insane? Seeking hope in unknown spaces, He has never beheld these places. The search for truth upon his brow, Looks abound, as he makes this solemn vow. Finding in it in an unknown world, As the road bent, curled, This new life unfurled.
Certain moods switch my musical taste to darker tones. For me these songs have a depth of Red and Black overtones.
This song in particular is very dark to me, yet it resonates with me on a level probably no one will ever understand. It's also reflected in the lyrics (English Translation):
Music Box
A small person just pretends to die (it) wanted to be completely alone the small heart stood still for hours so they declared it dead it is buried in wet sand with a music box in its hand
The first snow that covered the grave woke the child very gently in a cold winter night the small heart is awakened
As the frost flew into the child it wound up the music box a melody in the wind and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat any longer only the rain cries at the grave
Bumpety bump, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat any longer and the child sings from the ground
The cold moon, in full magnificence hears the cries in the night and no angel climbs down only the rain cries at the grave
Between hard oak boards it will play with the music box a melody in the wind and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat anymore only the rain cries on the grave up and down, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat anymore and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider my heart does not beat any longer On Totensonntag* they heard this melody from God's field [i.e., a cemetery] then they unearthed it they saved the small heart in the child
Bumpety bump, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat any longer and the child sings on the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat any longer only the rain cries at the grave
I've touched on several different aspects of music and color recently. I wanted to highlight one that is incredibly special and important to me.
That is the color purple. Purple has a significant meaning for me. I had reflected that in earlier posts, but I wanted to have this shine through as it does for me.
This song is the most Purple track I have ever encountered. It is like walking down a purple road barefoot, The first verse gives me a feeling of belonging, a sense of purpose as if everything has just fallen into place. As the chorus hits, the purple strobes from dark to light, as it shifts I feel an intense feeling of warmth and closeness. Every footstep is like a shock pulse, it starts in my feet and rebounds around me. It is almost undefinable, magical, exhilarating, captivating, yet peaceful.
It gives me a lesson in self, that I am beyond worth. Not just belonging to someone, but belonging to self as well. An inner strength that I can use to broadcast who I am. It is truly inspiring.
Feel like I'm staring at the sun but I feel no pain Got a feeling in my heart that I can't explain These walls I've built, they all fall down to you
Head it's a rush like a river that burns through me I get caught in your tide like I can't believe You hold me like an open fire in you
And my heart beats loud like a thousand drums Feeling love like the city where I come from I've got a hole in my heart that I can't explain for you
And you set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire
Whoa-u-u-u-u... u-u-u-u.
I've been everywhere on earth and I still can't find I'm feeling like a past to your blinding light These doors i've locked they all open for you Head it's a rushes like a river that burns through me I get caught in your tide like I can't believe You hold me like an open fire in you And my voice sings loud like a thousand drums Feeling love like the city where I come from I've got a hole in my heart that I can't explain for you
And you set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire
Burn me with your love so bright Burn me like an open fire Burn me with your love so bright So I can feel you... I can feel you... Burn me with your love so bright Burn me like an open fire Burn me with your love so bright So I can feel you... I can feel you...
Today was an interesting day. I learned that I am capable of both tasting colors and feeling them by touch. For instance my keyboard feels gray, the floor feels black, door handles are blue. But if the emotion is strong enough tied to the color I can also taste them.
Green tastes like oranges to me, it is a very mild yet refreshing taste. One of those that makes its presence immediately known to you, like it has never left you. It has always been, and will always be.
The color red has a lot of different strengths and qualities for me as I have experience this color in-depth for many years. As I had stated before, Red for me signifies sadness in its darker form, and anxiety in its lighter form. Although there is also a sense of gray associated with it for me, a sense of longing sadness. Something that I am missing, on the hunt, discovering and feeling all wrapped into one.
This is the kind of experience I have had with this color lately in particular.
A great example of a Red song for me, is:
As this song begins, I feel a mountain of red before me, something that I must climb in order to see the truth at the peak. As I walk up this mountain, the path winds left and right, the obstacles I see before are of myself. Things in my past, things in my future, things I want to overcome. It is a hard journey up the incline, but I carry on.
The ground is very gray, the mountain is red, and the sky is orange. The ground moves under me as I walk, like I am on an escalator in slow motion, the sky glows with a tinge of orange similar to that of a torch at night, resonating across the area. It glows the ground as I make it further up this mountain. By the end of the song, I have reached the peak and all that is before me is yet another red mountain, higher than the last. I set foot in that direction, ready to scale once again.
Purple is the peak of warmth and closeness for me, it is reflected in my actions and thoughts deeply.
A great example of a Purple track is a track by Horrowshow - New Normal, you can hear this on Spotify. I was going to link the youtube video but I could not see it listed there.
On time but the rent’s late Put it off till the next day Scraping by off of spare change But one day I’ma get straight Days turn into decades Never thought 'bout the end game Gotta sleep where ya bed’s made So one day I’ma get straight
And maybe there’ll be set backs and broken dams, days when things don’t go to plan Tell me what’s your coping strategy? ‘Cause baby don’t forget there’s no going back, make the most of what we have Through the triumph and the tragedy We pray for better days and learn while we wait They may never come, nothing’s guaranteed We do it anyway, accepting the fate Meant for us is the one it has to be Still one by one we come from nothing, tryna make it something Knowing that we can’t take that something when we turn to nothing Somehow we know it ain’t for nothing, now ain’t that something? End of it all I just learned one thing and it goes a little something like
When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall And hope I gave my all
On time but the rent’s late Put it off ‘til the next day Next day came and went again But one day I’ma get straight Yeah, yeah Giving thanks for my best days Looking forward to the next phase Last move always check mate So one day, I’ma get straight And on that day
You’ll find me watching it unfold Tryna find my way through the world, push boundaries, go beyond my limits ‘Cause I know it don’t revolve around me It’s more that I evolve within it And I know you know it too, though sometimes you can’t quite put a finger on it It’s an understanding shared between us, there’s no need to linger on it These past couple years have been crazy One minute I’m all smiles, up on stage taking a bow The next I’m alone on a street corner Tears streaming down my face while I’m breaking down Taught me that this life is pleasure and pain at the end of the day And despite what we might tell ourselves it’s out of our control All we can do is try and stay afloat and pay the rent So if you’re out there fighting battles in your head Waking up to mornings when it’s a struggle to make it out of bed Let this be your reminder, there’ll be better days ahead I dedicate this album to you, you know who you are For the journeys still before us and the stories behind your scars Be brave, be strong Persist, persevere, believe That’s all any of us can do Oh – and enjoy! Find the joy that you deserve inside your every day The delicious meal you just ate The friend who made you laugh or asked you how you are The sun on your face The birds chirping in the trees around you The sights, the sounds, the ups, the downs, all of it ‘cause it’s cliché as fuck, but it’s true You never know when it might happen to you The New Normal
When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all
The color Black for me has always been associated with my darkest/most traumatic memories and feelings. For the longest time it was exceedingly difficult for me to recall those memories and thoughts.
When trying to remember things, As I had stated in an earlier post, the most traumatic memories have a tendency to fade to black in my mind. Which makes recalling them difficult. As I've recently been working through a lot of these issues, I wanted to give insight into how I have come to learn and understand the power of this color in my life.
It can also double as the color associated with feelings of self redemption. I have begun to unravel a torturous past. Through learning this colors' meaning I have managed to free my mind of these things, process them correctly and learn to accept or reject them as part of my life. It has shown me that not all things that are hidden are bad, that they can be used to serve a good purpose and/or a purpose of understanding and acceptance. It is very freeing. After the fact I see them as more of a medium gray coloration. I am learning this is the acceptance phase of the memory. It is an interesting new road I have been traveling on. I thank the love of my life for supporting me in this.
I discovered a new color for me tonight while watching Game Of Thrones with the love of my life. This color is Gold. For me it washed me with a feeling of something very Pyrrhic, a very hollow form of justice. It was shiny, much similar to Silver for me, but it was the feeling and nature of the color that perplexed me. It still does as I am only just discovering this in myself. The feelings caught me off guard, I actually become a rambling, questioning mess at the time. Trying to put it into words is difficult, but imagine if you will something that you know you must do, but you know it will negatively effect your sense of moral code, yet you know it is the right thing to do and that doing so will undoubtedly lead to the suffering of others. It is like a fight within ones' soul between the role they must play, and the ideals that they hold. It felt initially cold, then a sense of knowing it is right. Mixed with a feeling of doing the honorable thing.
It was a very strange experience, I am not accustomed to feeling new colors. As I've listed previously as well there is a set list of colors and associated feelings that I have so far experienced. Although I am sure that is not all of them. This new "metallic based" series of colors has shown me new depths of feeling, but also a newer perspective on the reason why I feel this way.
It has helped me to understand myself better as well and my reaction to certain elements and situations.
Tonight I give you my first ever Silver track that I heard as such, it came from such a random source too because this is usually the last kind of music I listen to. Enjoy! It shimmers like the moon at night for me, especially towards the chorus where it is akin to extremely deep desires and thoughts. Very shiny, elegant, beautiful and captivating. It is like standing on a ship and sailing through an ocean of Silver, watching the waves crest over the bow and showering me in the most saturating warm glow. It is a sense of contemplation and knowing the likes of which I have never experienced previously.
It's almost like its on a sub-conscious level when it comes to Silver...it's very internalized for me, its not like the rest it has a depth and a clarity, it makes me shake when I see it sometimes, like shivering, but not from cold, from overwhelming feeling.
Social situations and Chromesthesia are an interesting combination. Especially when it comes to peoples' voices. For me personally, I hear color in other peoples' tones in their voice, which affects how I directly feel about the conversation. It is almost a mirror of reality at times, sometimes uncannily so. However I have also begun to understand that the colors are not always accurate. For example someone could be hiding something that had previously happened, and to me it comes across as yellow,which to me comes across that they are withholding something. That is not always the case. Usually it just means they are withholding something and not necessarily the topic of conversation at the time. This has led me to further try to understand the color inflections that I see and feel. Sometimes it is a feeling of a color, other times it is brightly seen.
Another aspect is films.
Movies are an escape for me and have been for many years. My father and I shared this passion for film. Most films bring on a sense of orange for me, especially if it is something I have fond memories of watching. V for Vendetta is a great example. It affects me because of the colors I see when I hear overtones in other peoples voices as well. Some tones bring about caution from me, a restraint
on my part or a withholding, other tones I am a lot more open to and allow me to express those parts of myself.
I did have difficult growing up and going to school, as a matter of fact as a
result of this I actually left school in Australia at 14, I returned when I was
17 however I worked in between as a laborer for my Father working
construction. I learned to distinguish between the colors better in that
environment especially of peoples responses to certain statements. It taught
me how to connect with others, how I could use what I saw and felt to help
judge the situation or how I could feel my way through social connections.
The one time I experienced an overload was when I went from Australia to
the United States where I currently reside. The plane ride over was filled
with overtones of red, blue and gray. Blue denotes a sense of adventure for
me at times, although it is also uncertainty. It does have other feelings
attached depending on the situation. For example when it comes to peoples' voices, a highlight of Blue generally incurs a feeling of great uncertainty, the lighter the color the more uncertain, the darker the color the more conflicted thought-orientated.
The variations between them on the shading scale from light to dark depend entirely on the color itself. The brighter the color, the lighter I experience the emotion attached, the darker the color the deeper I experience the emotion attached. This goes for most but not all colors across the spectrum.
Dark Yellow - Excluding Others // Light Yellow - Self Absorption Dark Red - Sadness // Light Red - Anxiety Dark Blue - Conflicted // Light Blue - Uncertainty Dark Green - Deepest Closeness // Light Green - Deepest Love Dark Purple - Belonging To Someone // Light Purple - Closeness/Reflective of Warmth Dark Orange - Softly Passionate // Light Orange - Passionate Excitement Dark Brown - Arrogance of self // Light Brown - Prideful of others Black - This is the exception, Black is an all-consuming color for me, some of my hardest emotions to go through have been this color. Extreme Pain/Trauma. Dark Gray - Consuming Depression // Light Gray - Low Points Silver - Deepest Desire // Light Silver - Strongest Peaceful Thoughts.
The other aspect is the emotional memory response I have to the colors themselves. All of my memories are color coded. It is how I recall information, for example, I can recall from memory phone numbers using the color the memory of them is. 911 for example is a light red memory for me. That is how I recall it. The same goes for memories in my past of previous events. As such I have a very detailed memory in the long term however I do suffer from short term memory loss. I am not sure whether it is the color assignment that takes the time or whether it is just me. Either way, I can't recall specifics in short term unless it is something astronomically stand-out'ish.
I'll end this one with an image of a song that I listened to recently and my charting of the colors involved. Although it does not do it justice as far as luminous it does illustrate the point:
This so for me is a journey of very deep passion. The parallel nature of the purple and orange is such that for me it is like seeing this image in 3 dimensional space from the top down, where the black line is the surface of the pathing, and the purple and orange intersect my path as I am traveling down it. Later on the green does. I see these as rays coming across my vision from left to right in this track.
It feels as though all stability is gone at the beginning, and as the song progress I feel a sense of belonging, akin to a partners' warmth. The closeness involved, that sensitive touch. The warmth feels more like an inner glow, like all that is good in the world is contained within. Then it radiates from my central core to the edge of my shoulders and then down to my fingers. As it hits my fingers it runs back the opposite direction and continues on like this for the duration of the chorus.
As the chorus ends and the 2nd verse begins I sense a depth of passion and elation like that of knowing that one is loved, like one is on a roller-coaster of orange about to go down the hill into a river of green. As it hits the green I feel a strong sense of belonging.
It is hard to concentrate on writing at this point because it is very overwhelming for me. I look left and can feel the green still covering me, yet I look right and I sense another rush of orange about to hit. As it does it brings upon an excitement, similar to when you are ready to give your all for what you believe.
It is at this moment that I pause for a second to feel all of this at once before the song fades out in a haze of orange, green, and purple spinning circular hazes.
It has been a journey, every day I learn something different about myself. My
favorite part is the exploration of color with music and color with feelings. As such
certain songs for certain moods literally color my days.
A few green tracks:
Today was an incredibly neon green day. Everything that was touched was green tinged, a great example is when looking at text or picture, I see them encapsulated in a neon green aura of sorts, although more like a smokey cloud haze, but its mostly transparent. It's like a combination between Vapor clouds and a smokey residual effect.
Especially during Never Seen Anything 'Quite Like You', it's very fluid. It's like being caught in the rain as it hits your skin, you feel the soft, yet covering impact. One drop at a time, this quiet, comforting sensation. It continues as it reaches the second verse, an intertwining of light purple and neon green, similar to observing a double helix image, but in motion as it rotates those two feelings become stronger, until it results in an echo of peacefulness I've never felt before. As they merge I see a silver spark and everything fades back to silver as the track ends.
Music has impacted my life in ways I have difficulty describing, it brought to
me a journey of self-exploration that I had sought through other means.
My favorite types of music revolve around the use of all kinds of instruments
and melodies, a great example is the band Red because they use a very
orchestral theme in their arrangements which showcases a multitude of color
and feelings in me. I also really enjoy alternate music with loving overtones,
such as Spoken, My Darkest Days, and Pink Floyd. For music with very deep lyrics I hear greenish tinges, and purple edges. Sometimes I hear orange if there is passion involved, for example:
Pink Floyds' Wish You Were Here is a very teal,orange and gray song for me. Because of the lyrics and the feelings behind the bands melodies.
It is a very calming, very thoughtful and extremely relaxing experience to see and feel these things the way I do. It is like having all your senses calmed at once, for me it is more than just an escape, it is a journey that takes me to a place of such feeling that I never want to return,
however I do as life takes hold of the present day.
It's like having your very own inner light show, but it is feeling as well for me.
The two are always together. They are inseparable. It is also why memories of songs, specifically from events in my life, for example, going to work with my Father at a young age, inflect feelings of green. But I feel it replicated in any activity I do after that as well. It lingers afterward for a short while before it dissipates. My love described it as one of my eyes actually shifts away from center, just the one, when I hear those tones. It may be part of a neurological response by me however I am unsure of this because I have no consulted a physician about it. Just something that she noticed. I am ever thankful for her. She is beautiful, and she captivates me.
I have spent a lot time in recent memory pinpointing certain features and aspects of this gift I have.
It has taken me the space of over 20 years to be able to come to these notes about myself, over this time I have learned much.
Here is a great source color to emotion chart:
Silver- Deepest Desires and Thoughts
Blue - Uncertainty/Thoughts
Green - Love - Family orientated - Closeness
Purple - Love - Partner - Belonging/Closeness/Reflective of Warmth
Red - Sadness, Particularly Deeply Anxious Sadness.
Yellow - Arrogance/Self-Absorption
Orange - Passion
Gray - Consuming Depression/Low Points/Personal Want
Black - The end of something, or closure, the deepest of lows Brown - Pridefulness, subtle version of red and gray mixed together.
One of my favorite experience is listening to a band called Red, Especially this most recent track I have discovered personally.
The best way I can describe this song is as follows:
"I am right here with you I couldn't be more close Pretending that I'm in this moment, When I'm only a ghost I listen to the words you're saying Words I'm fighting to believe It's like I'm living from a distance When you're out of reach
I wanna feel it, When I mean it, When I say it, Can you hear me at all?"
As the song begins, I feel a sense of light green wash over my mind, it is like being touched by a light warmth. As it hits, the peak melodically I feel a sense of gray that separates the green from me...this feels of personal want.
"And I feel so far away, far away from everything Outside wondering when I got lost I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear How can your love be so close When I'm so far away?"
This gray resonates through everything I touch, it is like seeing a ripple of gray...as it moves away, I feel that. I feel that want, that need. As it hits the chorus, I feel a sense of deep blue, it feels like a river, that runs backwards towards me, and as the edge of it flows over my feet I feel that sense of deep thought, conscience of its existence.
Like that feeling you get when you are desperately wanting to find out the meaning of something, but you don't know how.
"Remember when you found me drowning You pulled me from the deepest end I promised that I'll never leave you Now I'm drowning again
It's killing me with every breath Witnessing the life I lived Only you know who I am I'm reaching out my hand
I wanna feel it, When I mean it, When I say it, Can you hear me at all?"
As it shifts towards the end of the chorus, I see a red line moving in front of me, as I see it, it brings on a feeling of deep longing and sadness, a depth as deep as the ocean, yet as close as a finger tip touch. This red line continues as the chorus fades.
"And I don't wanna waste time Living a half-life Are you listening? Now give it back to me! I remember everything The way it used to be. Yeah give it back to me Yeah give it back to me I hear your voice But inside I'm lost."
So today I started with making my own page, I was told I have a gift for writing and I was encouraged by the love of my life to put it forward for the world to see. Today I have a few pieces I've written recently. As part of this I'll also be giving pieces of information about myself and what I wrote what I did. It is as important as writing it was for me. With that said I hope you all enjoy reading it! I have something referred to as Synesthesia, more specifically, Chromesthesia. It is the crossing of more than one sense, sound and color. But it is also the crossing of more than one series of senses, including color in words, color to emotion, color to memory and several others that I am discovering as time goes on. The most prolific is sound to color. This is to give background to those reading. Writing is my passion! It is the very essence of me, although I listen to music while I do so to give me more grounding and help me feel through it. For me, It is the color of the feeling the words hold that captivates me to write. I am able to impart my very soul into those words as a result. It helps me to focus, and to feel my way through the process. The love of my life is the one who led me to write this next piece, it is my feelings for her, and expresses a variety of situations that have come up in my life in recent memory:
My Colorful Kat
"The day is green, full of life and beauty. It resonates a feeling of oneness, captivates my very soul. The trees sing its song, the truth behind its meaning. The love of my life echoes, while sun shines beaming. She is the one, The only. My love for her is like fire, ever burning. Out of all the things in life, my favorite thing is color. For you have fallen across my palette, As shades of green resonate, in your elegance it exhilirates. The color of your soul shines, with a light that almost blinds. It draws upon me a feeling, of a night sky rises. The stars come out, they are duller for your brightness. Your beauty amazes, It is what I adore most. Before the sun rises, I'll take my seat, my heart I place at your feet."
That concludes my first introduction post. Stay tuned for more in the future
About the Author:
Rainye Cole
Originally from Australia, I grew up in rural Victoria. I spent 26 years of my life there before moving across the Pacific Ocean to my current destination. I've been living in the United States for the last 6 and a half years, since then I've experienced a lot of different things, from the good to the bad, the awesome to the low-some, in all of this I have learned many things. Most importantly, I'm learning myself and what I am. My Chromesthesia adds to my life in ways I never expected, it has opened doors that I never thought I'd walk through. It is an amazing thing to behold, and as such I started this blog to help others see through the window into my world.
