I realize yesterdays' post didn't really reflect how I felt so I wanted to give a chance to describe it.
Black colored music is very hard for me to explain because it is a sense of the color, a depth of the color. It's like having all shadows fall upon everything I do, it clouds my emotional view as well.
It's like receding into oneself' on an emotional level, withdrawing, yet understanding the reasons why. It provides a moment of solace and rechargability for me as an introvert as well as for the sake of the feelings at the time. Sometimes these feelings can get quite overwhelming when meshed with my emotional personality.
These two work against each other at times, making it difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what it is I feel, or why I feel that way. In a state of depression everything turns gray and black for me. Which makes sharing those aspects very stressful at times. It is like shouting from the bottom of a well 3000 ft below ground and expecting a reply.
I have since then learned to understand this further. The color Black can also be associated with coping with things internally for me. It is reflected in the lyrics of the music I listen to, such as Rammstein, (but only specific tracks, that usually hold a softer meaning, such as Mutter and Spieluhr), the lyrics along with the tones of the track give me a sense of understanding and contemplation.
Because as darkness unfolds, there must be light that follows. As such whenever Black feelings arise within me, they are met at the other end of the scale with a sense of illumination. It is a soul-seeking journey of sorts inflected in the colors.
It is also where the color White is predominant for me. White is associated with a lot of different aspects, I discovered however that it is resolution itself. It is confirmation. It is also something I had yet to experience until recently. I noticed this always followed a "Black" day and began trying to understand why that was.
I believe it is because I finally understand its purpose.
This song is Black and White:
This next writing piece is black and white to me.
Traveling south across this plain, Is he exploring, or just gone insane? Seeking hope in unknown spaces, He has never beheld these places. The search for truth upon his brow, Looks abound, as he makes this solemn vow. Finding in it in an unknown world, As the road bent, curled, This new life unfurled.
Certain moods switch my musical taste to darker tones. For me these songs have a depth of Red and Black overtones.
This song in particular is very dark to me, yet it resonates with me on a level probably no one will ever understand. It's also reflected in the lyrics (English Translation):
Music Box
A small person just pretends to die (it) wanted to be completely alone the small heart stood still for hours so they declared it dead it is buried in wet sand with a music box in its hand
The first snow that covered the grave woke the child very gently in a cold winter night the small heart is awakened
As the frost flew into the child it wound up the music box a melody in the wind and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat any longer only the rain cries at the grave
Bumpety bump, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat any longer and the child sings from the ground
The cold moon, in full magnificence hears the cries in the night and no angel climbs down only the rain cries at the grave
Between hard oak boards it will play with the music box a melody in the wind and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat anymore only the rain cries on the grave up and down, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat anymore and the child sings from the ground
Bumpety bump, rider my heart does not beat any longer On Totensonntag* they heard this melody from God's field [i.e., a cemetery] then they unearthed it they saved the small heart in the child
Bumpety bump, rider a melody in the wind my heart does not beat any longer and the child sings on the ground
Bumpety bump, rider and no angel climbs down my heart does not beat any longer only the rain cries at the grave
I've touched on several different aspects of music and color recently. I wanted to highlight one that is incredibly special and important to me.
That is the color purple. Purple has a significant meaning for me. I had reflected that in earlier posts, but I wanted to have this shine through as it does for me.
This song is the most Purple track I have ever encountered. It is like walking down a purple road barefoot, The first verse gives me a feeling of belonging, a sense of purpose as if everything has just fallen into place. As the chorus hits, the purple strobes from dark to light, as it shifts I feel an intense feeling of warmth and closeness. Every footstep is like a shock pulse, it starts in my feet and rebounds around me. It is almost undefinable, magical, exhilarating, captivating, yet peaceful.
It gives me a lesson in self, that I am beyond worth. Not just belonging to someone, but belonging to self as well. An inner strength that I can use to broadcast who I am. It is truly inspiring.
Feel like I'm staring at the sun but I feel no pain Got a feeling in my heart that I can't explain These walls I've built, they all fall down to you
Head it's a rush like a river that burns through me I get caught in your tide like I can't believe You hold me like an open fire in you
And my heart beats loud like a thousand drums Feeling love like the city where I come from I've got a hole in my heart that I can't explain for you
And you set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire
Whoa-u-u-u-u... u-u-u-u.
I've been everywhere on earth and I still can't find I'm feeling like a past to your blinding light These doors i've locked they all open for you Head it's a rushes like a river that burns through me I get caught in your tide like I can't believe You hold me like an open fire in you And my voice sings loud like a thousand drums Feeling love like the city where I come from I've got a hole in my heart that I can't explain for you
And you set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire You set me on fire... you set me on fire And you set me on fire... you set me on fire
Burn me with your love so bright Burn me like an open fire Burn me with your love so bright So I can feel you... I can feel you... Burn me with your love so bright Burn me like an open fire Burn me with your love so bright So I can feel you... I can feel you...
Today was an interesting day. I learned that I am capable of both tasting colors and feeling them by touch. For instance my keyboard feels gray, the floor feels black, door handles are blue. But if the emotion is strong enough tied to the color I can also taste them.
Green tastes like oranges to me, it is a very mild yet refreshing taste. One of those that makes its presence immediately known to you, like it has never left you. It has always been, and will always be.
The color red has a lot of different strengths and qualities for me as I have experience this color in-depth for many years. As I had stated before, Red for me signifies sadness in its darker form, and anxiety in its lighter form. Although there is also a sense of gray associated with it for me, a sense of longing sadness. Something that I am missing, on the hunt, discovering and feeling all wrapped into one.
This is the kind of experience I have had with this color lately in particular.
A great example of a Red song for me, is:
As this song begins, I feel a mountain of red before me, something that I must climb in order to see the truth at the peak. As I walk up this mountain, the path winds left and right, the obstacles I see before are of myself. Things in my past, things in my future, things I want to overcome. It is a hard journey up the incline, but I carry on.
The ground is very gray, the mountain is red, and the sky is orange. The ground moves under me as I walk, like I am on an escalator in slow motion, the sky glows with a tinge of orange similar to that of a torch at night, resonating across the area. It glows the ground as I make it further up this mountain. By the end of the song, I have reached the peak and all that is before me is yet another red mountain, higher than the last. I set foot in that direction, ready to scale once again.
Purple is the peak of warmth and closeness for me, it is reflected in my actions and thoughts deeply.
A great example of a Purple track is a track by Horrowshow - New Normal, you can hear this on Spotify. I was going to link the youtube video but I could not see it listed there.
On time but the rent’s late Put it off till the next day Scraping by off of spare change But one day I’ma get straight Days turn into decades Never thought 'bout the end game Gotta sleep where ya bed’s made So one day I’ma get straight
And maybe there’ll be set backs and broken dams, days when things don’t go to plan Tell me what’s your coping strategy? ‘Cause baby don’t forget there’s no going back, make the most of what we have Through the triumph and the tragedy We pray for better days and learn while we wait They may never come, nothing’s guaranteed We do it anyway, accepting the fate Meant for us is the one it has to be Still one by one we come from nothing, tryna make it something Knowing that we can’t take that something when we turn to nothing Somehow we know it ain’t for nothing, now ain’t that something? End of it all I just learned one thing and it goes a little something like
When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall And hope I gave my all
On time but the rent’s late Put it off ‘til the next day Next day came and went again But one day I’ma get straight Yeah, yeah Giving thanks for my best days Looking forward to the next phase Last move always check mate So one day, I’ma get straight And on that day
When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all When the day breaks, when the night falls When the time comes, and my name’s called I’ma say grace, let the cards fall I just hope I can say I gave my all
The color Black for me has always been associated with my darkest/most traumatic memories and feelings. For the longest time it was exceedingly difficult for me to recall those memories and thoughts.
When trying to remember things, As I had stated in an earlier post, the most traumatic memories have a tendency to fade to black in my mind. Which makes recalling them difficult. As I've recently been working through a lot of these issues, I wanted to give insight into how I have come to learn and understand the power of this color in my life.
It can also double as the color associated with feelings of self redemption. I have begun to unravel a torturous past. Through learning this colors' meaning I have managed to free my mind of these things, process them correctly and learn to accept or reject them as part of my life. It has shown me that not all things that are hidden are bad, that they can be used to serve a good purpose and/or a purpose of understanding and acceptance. It is very freeing. After the fact I see them as more of a medium gray coloration. I am learning this is the acceptance phase of the memory. It is an interesting new road I have been traveling on. I thank the love of my life for supporting me in this.
I discovered a new color for me tonight while watching Game Of Thrones with the love of my life. This color is Gold. For me it washed me with a feeling of something very Pyrrhic, a very hollow form of justice. It was shiny, much similar to Silver for me, but it was the feeling and nature of the color that perplexed me. It still does as I am only just discovering this in myself. The feelings caught me off guard, I actually become a rambling, questioning mess at the time. Trying to put it into words is difficult, but imagine if you will something that you know you must do, but you know it will negatively effect your sense of moral code, yet you know it is the right thing to do and that doing so will undoubtedly lead to the suffering of others. It is like a fight within ones' soul between the role they must play, and the ideals that they hold. It felt initially cold, then a sense of knowing it is right. Mixed with a feeling of doing the honorable thing.
It was a very strange experience, I am not accustomed to feeling new colors. As I've listed previously as well there is a set list of colors and associated feelings that I have so far experienced. Although I am sure that is not all of them. This new "metallic based" series of colors has shown me new depths of feeling, but also a newer perspective on the reason why I feel this way.
It has helped me to understand myself better as well and my reaction to certain elements and situations.
Tonight I give you my first ever Silver track that I heard as such, it came from such a random source too because this is usually the last kind of music I listen to. Enjoy! It shimmers like the moon at night for me, especially towards the chorus where it is akin to extremely deep desires and thoughts. Very shiny, elegant, beautiful and captivating. It is like standing on a ship and sailing through an ocean of Silver, watching the waves crest over the bow and showering me in the most saturating warm glow. It is a sense of contemplation and knowing the likes of which I have never experienced previously.
It's almost like its on a sub-conscious level when it comes to Silver...it's very internalized for me, its not like the rest it has a depth and a clarity, it makes me shake when I see it sometimes, like shivering, but not from cold, from overwhelming feeling.
Social situations and Chromesthesia are an interesting combination. Especially when it comes to peoples' voices. For me personally, I hear color in other peoples' tones in their voice, which affects how I directly feel about the conversation. It is almost a mirror of reality at times, sometimes uncannily so. However I have also begun to understand that the colors are not always accurate. For example someone could be hiding something that had previously happened, and to me it comes across as yellow,which to me comes across that they are withholding something. That is not always the case. Usually it just means they are withholding something and not necessarily the topic of conversation at the time. This has led me to further try to understand the color inflections that I see and feel. Sometimes it is a feeling of a color, other times it is brightly seen.
Another aspect is films.
Movies are an escape for me and have been for many years. My father and I shared this passion for film. Most films bring on a sense of orange for me, especially if it is something I have fond memories of watching. V for Vendetta is a great example. It affects me because of the colors I see when I hear overtones in other peoples voices as well. Some tones bring about caution from me, a restraint
on my part or a withholding, other tones I am a lot more open to and allow me to express those parts of myself.
I did have difficult growing up and going to school, as a matter of fact as a
result of this I actually left school in Australia at 14, I returned when I was
17 however I worked in between as a laborer for my Father working
construction. I learned to distinguish between the colors better in that
environment especially of peoples responses to certain statements. It taught
me how to connect with others, how I could use what I saw and felt to help
judge the situation or how I could feel my way through social connections.
The one time I experienced an overload was when I went from Australia to
the United States where I currently reside. The plane ride over was filled
with overtones of red, blue and gray. Blue denotes a sense of adventure for
me at times, although it is also uncertainty. It does have other feelings
attached depending on the situation. For example when it comes to peoples' voices, a highlight of Blue generally incurs a feeling of great uncertainty, the lighter the color the more uncertain, the darker the color the more conflicted thought-orientated.
The variations between them on the shading scale from light to dark depend entirely on the color itself. The brighter the color, the lighter I experience the emotion attached, the darker the color the deeper I experience the emotion attached. This goes for most but not all colors across the spectrum.
Dark Yellow - Excluding Others // Light Yellow - Self Absorption Dark Red - Sadness // Light Red - Anxiety Dark Blue - Conflicted // Light Blue - Uncertainty Dark Green - Deepest Closeness // Light Green - Deepest Love Dark Purple - Belonging To Someone // Light Purple - Closeness/Reflective of Warmth Dark Orange - Softly Passionate // Light Orange - Passionate Excitement Dark Brown - Arrogance of self // Light Brown - Prideful of others Black - This is the exception, Black is an all-consuming color for me, some of my hardest emotions to go through have been this color. Extreme Pain/Trauma. Dark Gray - Consuming Depression // Light Gray - Low Points Silver - Deepest Desire // Light Silver - Strongest Peaceful Thoughts.
The other aspect is the emotional memory response I have to the colors themselves. All of my memories are color coded. It is how I recall information, for example, I can recall from memory phone numbers using the color the memory of them is. 911 for example is a light red memory for me. That is how I recall it. The same goes for memories in my past of previous events. As such I have a very detailed memory in the long term however I do suffer from short term memory loss. I am not sure whether it is the color assignment that takes the time or whether it is just me. Either way, I can't recall specifics in short term unless it is something astronomically stand-out'ish.
I'll end this one with an image of a song that I listened to recently and my charting of the colors involved. Although it does not do it justice as far as luminous it does illustrate the point:
This so for me is a journey of very deep passion. The parallel nature of the purple and orange is such that for me it is like seeing this image in 3 dimensional space from the top down, where the black line is the surface of the pathing, and the purple and orange intersect my path as I am traveling down it. Later on the green does. I see these as rays coming across my vision from left to right in this track.
It feels as though all stability is gone at the beginning, and as the song progress I feel a sense of belonging, akin to a partners' warmth. The closeness involved, that sensitive touch. The warmth feels more like an inner glow, like all that is good in the world is contained within. Then it radiates from my central core to the edge of my shoulders and then down to my fingers. As it hits my fingers it runs back the opposite direction and continues on like this for the duration of the chorus.
As the chorus ends and the 2nd verse begins I sense a depth of passion and elation like that of knowing that one is loved, like one is on a roller-coaster of orange about to go down the hill into a river of green. As it hits the green I feel a strong sense of belonging.
It is hard to concentrate on writing at this point because it is very overwhelming for me. I look left and can feel the green still covering me, yet I look right and I sense another rush of orange about to hit. As it does it brings upon an excitement, similar to when you are ready to give your all for what you believe.
It is at this moment that I pause for a second to feel all of this at once before the song fades out in a haze of orange, green, and purple spinning circular hazes.
It has been a journey, every day I learn something different about myself. My
favorite part is the exploration of color with music and color with feelings. As such
certain songs for certain moods literally color my days.
A few green tracks:
Today was an incredibly neon green day. Everything that was touched was green tinged, a great example is when looking at text or picture, I see them encapsulated in a neon green aura of sorts, although more like a smokey cloud haze, but its mostly transparent. It's like a combination between Vapor clouds and a smokey residual effect.
Especially during Never Seen Anything 'Quite Like You', it's very fluid. It's like being caught in the rain as it hits your skin, you feel the soft, yet covering impact. One drop at a time, this quiet, comforting sensation. It continues as it reaches the second verse, an intertwining of light purple and neon green, similar to observing a double helix image, but in motion as it rotates those two feelings become stronger, until it results in an echo of peacefulness I've never felt before. As they merge I see a silver spark and everything fades back to silver as the track ends.
Music has impacted my life in ways I have difficulty describing, it brought to
me a journey of self-exploration that I had sought through other means.
My favorite types of music revolve around the use of all kinds of instruments
and melodies, a great example is the band Red because they use a very
orchestral theme in their arrangements which showcases a multitude of color
and feelings in me. I also really enjoy alternate music with loving overtones,
such as Spoken, My Darkest Days, and Pink Floyd. For music with very deep lyrics I hear greenish tinges, and purple edges. Sometimes I hear orange if there is passion involved, for example:
Pink Floyds' Wish You Were Here is a very teal,orange and gray song for me. Because of the lyrics and the feelings behind the bands melodies.
It is a very calming, very thoughtful and extremely relaxing experience to see and feel these things the way I do. It is like having all your senses calmed at once, for me it is more than just an escape, it is a journey that takes me to a place of such feeling that I never want to return,
however I do as life takes hold of the present day.
It's like having your very own inner light show, but it is feeling as well for me.
The two are always together. They are inseparable. It is also why memories of songs, specifically from events in my life, for example, going to work with my Father at a young age, inflect feelings of green. But I feel it replicated in any activity I do after that as well. It lingers afterward for a short while before it dissipates. My love described it as one of my eyes actually shifts away from center, just the one, when I hear those tones. It may be part of a neurological response by me however I am unsure of this because I have no consulted a physician about it. Just something that she noticed. I am ever thankful for her. She is beautiful, and she captivates me.
