Dealing with depression

 In a world full of color and vibrancy, emotions and decisions....distractions and diversions....There lurks one indelible truth...darkness and depression are things that occur to use Synesthetes also.

Inside my depressive world lives shadows that escalate with each successive pass of days.
Some days it's like everything outside is completely indescribably dark and stormy. It's like all life in the world is gone, all happiness has evaporated, and meaninglessness is pervasive. 

This is what I have been going through and hence my blog has kind of grinded to a halt.

It is difficult on days like this to get the motivation to do anything, my drive is completely gone.

Speaking purely of mental illness and the like, it is very difficult for me to get this train back on tracks, especially when the derailments are so close to home.

As difficult as it is, I am still here. I am still trying, still fighting, still moving along day to day.

We aren't perfect people, but we can have perfection within ourselves if we wish, our version of perfection will change depending on our knowledge.

In myself I have found that colors are my life, they are my force for good. They are something I can rely on when times are tough, they are with me throughout, there are some things I need to use to ground. I am learning what they are in order to survive this.

It has been a rough journey but it is far from over. Every colorful step deserves another, if I keep with notion, I'll never stop the journey. 

Life is about the journey, it is never about the destination. We travel through it like a squirrel travels across trees for nuts. It is a journey we must undertake, we need not be alone doing so, although this is purely about inward reflection and dedicating the day to ourselves too. Taking a piece of ourselves and using that as a catalyst for further actions and decisions. 

Learning...who we are. That's the question I ask you today, who are you? What is your story? What is our purpose? We all have one, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, every piece fits in a certain spot, we just have to discover our spot.

Whether thats a by a lake with a sunday beverage, whether that is in the city walking down South Street in Philly, whether that is calmly fishing by the lakes of the Macedon Ranges back in Australia, whether that is us helping a strange and coloring their world, or whether that is just us simply recharging ourselves at home with a nice cup of english breakfast tea in the mornings, reading and quitely surrounding ourselves with mechanisms that trigger that helpfulness and calmness that we all need.

Some days are easier than others, today is a day I found that I could actually write in amongst all of this turmoil, torment, and depression. 

We are not perfect, we never will be, we need only be perfect to ourselves. If we reflect that, we can shine that on others and help them reach what they seek, maybe they seek grounding, whatever the case.

Together. We win.

The Color Of...Pain

Synesthesia and Pain

Sadly, this is something I have a fair bit of experience with, especially lately given recent events. Pain and Synesthesia types often come in conflict and contact with each other. I have read countless posts from other Synesthetes who agree that the ones who sense color in other senses, ie. Chromesthesia (Sound -> Color) or Grapheme (Letters/Numbers -> Color) have also been known to have specific and repetitive color flashes or objects/shapes linked to pain. 

I do not believe this to be a coincidence. Although nerve disorders are prevalent for me, this is different. It's a very interesting sensation. Imagine if you will, being shocked by something electrical, more similar to a static cling that travel down the very inside of you, but you sense its nature is deep maroon red, in my experience this translates as acute pain that is experienced at the same moment this occurs. 

Others have described it as seeing a specific object or pattern, for example, a spiky red ball that represents a headache. They literally visualize these objects, and in all of this, we synesthetes have also learned to adapt and cope with these changes. 

For me being stationary is a big, big deal. Touch becomes incredibly sensitive and could possibly be linked to my attributes as a HSP (Highly-Sensitive Person) which in itself is a different situation again. When these things overlap you end up with a very strange set of circumstances and situations in life. 

A recent example: 

I was sitting in my room at home, and I felt the sensation described above, the more I moved, the more it traveled and rebounded/made my body recoil with agonizing nerve pain. Every touch felt like lightning that burnt like a thousand suns, literal fire personified. Along with this I experienced bright red, maroon and brown streaks. 

In order to alleviate this I tried essentially everything in my toolkit at home, to no avail. Tried rubbing Menthol soothing lotion, no dice. Cannabis, no dice. Aleive, no dice. Because this pain is an interpretation of the interpretation of pain. It's not actual pain, its a synesthetic mental response to pain itself. Therefore coping with it is a mental challenge, taking my mind off it, watching tv, being on my PC, talking, all of this helps. Eventually it settles and I am able to resume what I was doing. This takes a lot of will power to do, and is a trained skill that took me a long time to do. I know it sounds easy *in theory* but it is doable also.

This same situation occurs for me on an emotional level too, when the two collide it is incredibly difficult to manuevre, thankfully I have a lot of support from various people! Thank you all again, it means a lot to me personally to know that even though the situation is borderline indescribable, you are all still there! So thank you again.

On the emotional level, for me it blankets the entire day. If I go into work in pain, the day is tinted medium gray ( I say medium because it is not dark nor light) usually with accompanying maroon streaks that streak every time I am in pain. If the pain is exceedingly acute, ie. a strain from lifting something way too heavy, or worse, they turn into bright flashes, those who see spots will know what I am referring to with this as it is a very similar sensation, except color-coded!

This is certainly not a be all, end all list of reasons and situations but its a general outline of the way I perceive pain and the synesthetic responses that occur as a result. Everyone's situation is different, especially with Synesthesia. 

And on that note, I'll close this one out with a nice melodic green, purple and just for kicks, maroon track, enjoy and thanks for reading!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfdWt1KBRuo

Roller-coaster Of Colors

I've previously written about what it is like for me to percieve colors as a feeling. Although
I don't think I touched on it's influence with music. These next few tracks I'll *decode* in my own emotional style which will be reflected by the elaborated emotional color chart highlighted in
a 3 part series.

I'll cover one of the most influential emotional tracks to me and why that is the case.

We'll start with this one:

Make 'Em Say (feat. Ev Jones) - Esoterik, Ev Jones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EFNGdsy7GU

You will only ever have two choices: Love or fear
Choose love and don't ever let fear turn you against your playful heart
Thank you so much, thank you


Yeah, I come alive when you listen
Connect our minds through the rhythm
I'm in that free love zone, there's no price for admission
And I shine in the wisdom of the rhymes that I'm spitting
I rock a mic like a wizard to prove the sky is no limit
And every line that gets written
Describes the life that I'm living
And yes, my tribe's on a mission to bend your mind like a prison
And yes, my rhyme is a blizzard, it defies metaphysics
Shut the blinds of your business and fuck your mind with these lyrics
Uh, look in to my eyes, there's a change about to come
Tidal wave up in my brain, I'll make it rain until it floods
And not the rain that got them naked in the club
I'm talking 'bout the realisation
We can make it if there's love
And if there is, it's all good vibes
Everyone's welcome to have a good time
The future's in my son's eyes
So I pray for change in a major way


And I make 'em say hey (and I make 'em say hey)
Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way)
How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (that's what they all say)
When the vibe is right I can do this all day
And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song


Yo, yo, this is it and it's never gonna stop
Wanna know how I'm living, nah I'm Buddha
This that shit that's heavy when it drops
Cause my mind ain't all about the moola
Take a hit of this and levitate with Gods
As I split a philly back in Philla with some buddha
I get it lit and give it everything I got
So I rocked up to this bitch like "booya"
You ain't gonna stop me from rockin'
And poppin' ollies on this mic
That's why I do whatever I like
I drop this hot shit that make the keyboard melt
If you really wanna be free, just be yourself
You gotta follow your dreams, my brother
Stick with it, cause when they come true
They'll wonder how you did it
This planet needs peace so let's make a change
Cause only real love can save the day



And I'll make 'em say hey (make 'em say hey)
Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way)
How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say
When the vibe is right I can do this all day
And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song
And I'll make 'em say hey (make 'em say, then I'll make 'em say)
Love is real and it's heading your way (oh yeah the love is real)
How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (is what they all say)
If the vibe is right I can do this all day
All day, all day, all day

Let me break it down for ya
Be like water, be like water
Bruce Lee told me how to be like water
I run my life, I don't need no orders
I'm outside the box, I don't see no borders
Be like water, be like water
Bruce Lee told me how to be like water
I run my life, I don't need no orders
I'm outside the box, I don't see no borders


So, let me count my blessings cause it's not that bad
My mother's upstairs but I still got my dad
With my baby boy running free through nature
My wife, that's my life, she's my queen and saviour (yeah baby)
So when I think I'm feeling down
I set fire to fear and kill the doubt
I vibe with Mother Earth, she turned and said to me
That we're all connected, that this world needs empathy


Hey, hey, hey, hey
And I make 'em say hey (make 'em say hey) (say hey)
Love is real and it's heading your way (said it's heading your way)
How did he do it, yeah that's what they all say (tell me how you do it, tell me how you do it)
If the vibe is right I can do this all day
And I can do this all day long, memories of you and me in the song


These are the emotions inflected by the lyrics for me:
Dark Green - Deepest Closeness // Light Green - Deepest Love
Dark Purple - Belonging To Someone // Light Purple - Closeness/Reflective of Warmth



As difficult as it can be sometimes to listen to certain tracks, due to the emotions they invoke, it is always an adventure to listen to new tracks! Realistically any kind of music is good to me, as long as the colors are right for the mood and timing. Which is why my playlists change so rapidly in genre. I do plan to write more regarding this topic, this is Part 2 of a 3 part series on this topic. The first is Social Colors and Memory Recall.

I'll leave you all with the follow super green track, have a great day and stay safe folks~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbhVMGVCdpo

You know the deal, head over heels
Hand over heart, so you understand it’s real
And 'cause it’s real, it ain’t always perfect
But we put the effort in because it’s always worth it
I’m so glad I found ya, so glad I found ya (so glad I found ya)
My chief navigator, you know that I’d be lost without ya
So I fill up these pages with things I love about ya
Love to be around ya, arms around ya
How ‘bout when it’s warm, let’s take our towels and hit the sand in the tropics
And when it’s cold, let’s take a stroll, you can put your hands in my pockets
This ain’t no old fashioned love, don’t keep your face in a locket
But I do see it on my phone home screen every time that I lock it
I promise, whatever you need, if you want it you got it, I swear
Speaking on you, that be my favourite topic
I’ve seen your smile a million times, still I have to stop and stare
When this big old world has got me running scared

I remember what you told me
That you’d be there to hold me
Don’t care about the old me
'Cause it’s a new day and to you I’m worth my weight in gold
So listen what I got to say
When I see her, my señorita
She got me feeling this way, oooh
Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter
I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape
So listen what I got to say
That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise
To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest
So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems
Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms

It’s early morn, we got the curtains drawn
To keep us sheltered from the perfect storm
Right now I’m warm, hold me close inside your arms
It make me feel like I’ll be safe from harm
So if you’re ever feeling down, I hope you play this song
And know my days are so much brighter since you came along
Nice to, nice to know ya, you and I, we’re feeling right at home
Let’s share some public displays of affection and some private jokes
And I don’t know ‘bout you but your love keep on lifting me higher
Breathing you in until you leave me inspired
Then I sing from the rooftops and preach to the choir
All these notes from your secret admirer

So listen what I got to say
When I see her, my señorita
She got me feeling this way, oooh
Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter
I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape
So listen what I got to say
That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise
To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest
So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems
Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms

And maybe I don’t take the time to say this very often
But the way you put a spring up in my step, ooh baby you my cherry blossom
Lady, you got me floating on air like Mary Poppins
If this big old world ever giving me problems
I remember what you told me
That you’d be there to hold me
Don’t care about the old me
'Cause it’s a new day and to you I’m worth my weight in gold
So remember what I told you
That I’d be there to hold you
Won’t try to change or mould you
To me you’re perfect, worth way more than you could weigh in gold

So listen what I got to say
When I see her, my señorita
She got me feeling this way, oooh
Off the meter, nobody’s sweeter
I’ll spend the day, make her a mixtape
So listen what I got to say
That every day I wake up next to you and make a promise
To be there in your darkest hour when your days are longest
So won’t you take my hand, forget about your problems
Let’s go dance under the cherry blossoms


Disclaimer: I do not own any of these tracks, this blog is purely for hobby purposes. Shout out and credits to Horrorshow and Esoterik for their amazing Aussie tracks! :)

...and like that he returns....

I decided that writing was really important to my progress, so I have returned :)

The next track is one that really hits home for me, the colors in it are just perfect in every single way for the way I currently feel as well which helps.






I know this place
It smells like innocence lost
We left the traces of the sins we bought


But I wouldn't change a thing
It's just waking dream


Look at the wake
From the stardust pouring from your eyes
It's no mistake
You are perfect
You are perfect in my mind
And you won't fade away


I know this face
It's so familiar
I'm sure I know you but it's all a blur


Now I can't recall a thing
It's such a wicked dream


Look at the wake
From the stardust pouring from your eyes
It's no mistake
You are perfect
You are perfect in my mind
And you won't fade away


Praise to the memory
Living inside of me
Host to entirety writing my story
Lusting and gluttony
So unbecoming
The stardust is making me blind


But you won't be left behind, the memory's here to remind


Look at the wake
From the stardust pouring from your eyes
It's no mistake
You are perfect
You are perfect in my mind


Look at the wake
From the stardust pouring from your eyes
It's no mistake
You are perfect
You are perfect


Look at the
Look at the wake pouring from your eyes
Look at the
Look at the wake
You are perfect in my mind
And you won't fade away

Taking A Break

I've written about a lot of different aspects of my life here lately, and wanted to take pause so I can take stock of all the things in my life.

At present I have a lot going on and need to give myself time to adjust and recalibrate to what is not only going around me, but also the things that I know I need to focus on. At the moment this blog takes a backseat to that.

Thank you all for reading, and hopefully I'll be back posting soon.

-- Rainye



I leave you with this black and white track. Enjoy!

Collisions...

Every time I listen to music I get a sense of the song from a different perspective. It's like I can listen to the same track several times and get several other things from it. I learn something new about myself in this process.

This next track does exactly that for me, it opened up a side to me I did not see before. A level of understanding for me as I took this journey:



I have drawn a graphic that incorporates what I see, it is not very detailed, but what it represents is important to me to reflect:

As if anything could last forever
I fell headfirst into the unknown
Blindly ignorant in my innocence
Thin in the thick of it
Would give anything not to feel alone
I severed every nerve ending
'Til nothing was hurting me
Aside from the thought of infinite eternities
Not having you with me, not having you with me
So incomplete





As the track begins, I see a light green road before me. It feels like home and tastes like oranges. As I walk down this road, I glance to my left and see the stars shining in a neon green array. It gives me a sense of peace that calms my mind. There are aspects that give me flashes of red, I have highlighted these. As they reflect a sense of understanding


I fell in love with the touch of pain
'Til the rush it became a chain
I was suffocated and there was no escape
'Til I met You
Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through
I fell in love with the touch of grace
Now all I want is You


As the chorus hits, I see a purple chain link on my right it reflects all of the things that have bound me for so long, then quick as a flash, I see a green lightning bolt that separates the chain link and sparks of silver that shine in the distance.

This is repeated several times for me as I walk down the road.


I always thought that I had something to prove
Always thought that I had nothing to lose
Every time that I got more it just made me want more
Tried to step up but I stepped off the top floor
I've surely fallen one too many times
I've surely told you one too many lies
Life-giver delivering me from the clutches of death
I give over all of myself


I fell in love with the touch of pain
'Til the rush it became a chain
I was suffocated and there was no escape
'Til I met You
Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through
I fell in love with the touch of grace
Now all I want is You

At this point in the track, the purple chain fades into a haze of silvery light, my attention then drifts to center of frame and I see a light purple building at the end of the road. It shines with a green radiance surrounding it as I move towards it I feel a sense of home.






You put a stay on this heart attack
Put color back in this photograph
Made it burn like a sun with a fire that is You
Cursed me as an amnesiac
No second thought about going back
Take me anywhere as long as it's with You


I fell in love with the touch of pain
'Til the rush it became a chain
I was suffocated and there was no escape
'Til I met You
Now the Breaker of My Chains is breaking through
I fell in love with the touch of grace
Now all I want is You





The green and purple collision results in a shimmer of silver, that shines until the song fades from view. Every time I hear this track I feel those same emotions become stronger. It is like a never ending loop of peace.

..Tasting The Real Rainbow?

For a couple of days recently I have noticed when things get to me enough I start tasting colors. Especially when I touch them. So as I feel a colored object such as a keyboard for instance at my computer here, I can actually taste salt every time I hit the keys. It's a really strange sensation.

Especially when it's combined with music. Because I feel both at the same time.

I've recently managed to put this chart together of what I taste for each color, although there may be other tastes associated with them as I explore this further.

Blue - Coconut

Green - Oranges

Black - Salt

White - Pork

Orange - Sour

Brown - Dry Ginger

Red - Dust

Yellow - Milk

Purple - Chocolate

Silver - Purest Apple Juice

As this is something I am still exploring I will most likely touch on this subject again in the future.

I'm going to finish this post with a Green track. This song actually tastes like oranges as I listen to it. It's a very interesting mix!!